I don't know if I was raped or not?

I only use to see my dad when I was little, probably until I was 6 years old- then he kinda left me and my mom, only coming around every once in a while. I haven't seen him for at least 4 years but now I'm 14 and I'm starting to have memories of him raping me.... when I was 12 I started becoming disgusted at the sight on a mans hand and I would even vomit if it became to repulsive for me to handle, that year I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety so now I'm on medication. I can only remember all the vulgar feelings and details of when and IF he did rape me.... I can see my facial expression and his through the whole memory, the only thing is I don't know if my mind is telling me the truth or if this really did happen.... And before I bring it up to my mom I want opinions ....because my mom will freak out even if I say the word rape. It's making me paranoid and depressed, I can't sleep at night, and I have night-mares about it... My memory just isn't clear enough for me to believe though, so I'm really confused. It's got me so down that I almost let myself fail the 8th grade, I started to not care and I started losing my friends until I realized that I need to figure things out and that I can't let something like this ruin my whole life and I know if I have a distorted reality and I open my mouth I can really make my dads life horrible... I can really hurt people if I say something like this and it's not even true....I really need some advice...